Box of Sap
by Generalpandathefourth
Summary: Holly goes through a box full of memories Gail had been keeping from the beginning, sharing each memory with their kids.
1. Chapter 1

Holly sat and stared at the box clenched in her shaking hands. She didn't know about the warn object, the blonde had never said anything and somehow Holly had missed it during every move. It's not like it was really hidden, Hale stumbled upon it when taking out photo albums for them to look at.

She felt a warm hand on her shoulder, she knew who it belonged to without needing to look but she looked anyway. Holly was met with the exact shade if blue she fell in love with all those years ago. The blue eyes made her stomach wrench in both love and pain.

Knowing this Hale held her gaze for a minute before resting into the back of the couch, taking the blue with him.

Neither spoke, they didn't need to, they'd been doing this for two weeks now and the boy knew when to talk and when to let her sit in silence. He also knew when she was thinking too much and how to calm her, he knew when to push food or any other necessities and he knew how to comfort.

It took Holly twenty minutes to take the lid off of the box. Which honestly surprised Hale, he thought it'd take a few days.

He couldn't quite see inside but the few things he did confused him. Especially when his mother burst into tears, a smile spread across her lips as she whispered Gail's name. Hale didn't want to break this moment, didn't want to ruin the first smile from her he'd seen in almost three weeks, but curiosity took over.

"What is this mom?"

Turning to her son she smiled, those icy blues suddenly didn't hurt as much -not in this moment at least- "get Lux."

Without a word Hale stood, squeezed Holly's shoulder and walked down the hall to his sisters room. He tried knocking but she didn't answer so he opened it with causation, -the girl had been violently angry and the only one she hadn't lashed out at was Holly.

He found the blonde on the floor, death grip on her shins and resting her chin on her knees, headphones turned up so loud he could hear from the doorway, and staring into nothing. Hale waited for her to look at him before he dared to enter.

Lux pulled out the earbuds and met his eyes with her own. "What."

"Mom wants to see you." He explained. At the second 'mom' left his lips the girl was standing, by the time he finished she was already out the door.

Hale waited a moment, not sure if Holly wanted both of them or just the nine year old but he didn't have to wait long before his name was called.

Holly waited until they were all settled. Lux sat in her brothers lap on one side of the sofa, bodies fully facing her as she sat cross legged toward them, Gail's box in the space between them. Holly picked up the first thing she had noticed when opening the box and cleared her throat.

"This is the ring box I used to propose mom." She smiled weakly and put it on the couch. "These are the hospital bracelets from when you guys were born," Holly turned over the one to show them the colourful scribbles. "Hale got creative... This is a piece of wrapping paper from our first Christmas. Mom insisted we only get wrapping paper with superheroes on it. That's, that's when the wrapping paper themes started... This is from what is technically our first date. We were only friends but I got her to the batting cages." The group laughed in unison.

Holly continued, piece by piece she emptied the box explaining what she could as some of the items were too random for her to figure out.

By the end the three of them were full blown smiling, real smiles, not the fake ones they'd plastered on over the past few weeks. Smiles that only Gail could give them. It was almost two in the morning, no one knew where the time had gone but all were thankful for it. So Holly shooed them off to bed with hugs, kisses and her love.

As she was placing the contents of the box back she noticed one last piece of paper, an envelope actually. Opening it Holly found four carefully folded pieces of paper. Each had their purposes written out in Gail's scratchy handwriting. First was for the Division, second was for Hale, then Lux and lastly Lunchbox.

Holly stared at it, traced each letter and placed it on the coffee table.

She left it for a few minutes to prepare. Which meant a double of the almost empty scotch, checking on the kids, box of tissues, blanket over her shoulders and pillow clutched tightly in her arms. Holly settled into the office/library and opened it.

 _Before I start I just want to say sorry. I broke all of my promises and I'm sorry, I truly didn't mean to._

 _Dear Holly, Lunchbox, my Nerd._

 _If you are reading this it means you've found my box of sappy things, which means I didn't stop you before you got to the bottom and read this letter. This is the fourth time I've written this letter, all of which you can find on a super secret email account (hotmail cuz you're hot) formynerd . I'm not sure this will be long or help you at all but this is something I think you should have. It helped a lot when Jerry died so... yeah._

 _Right now you and the kids are all cuddled up on the floor, theres no electricity and it's freezing so we're doggie piled in front of the fire place. I was awoken by cold toes and snoring, so I can't get back to sleep. I've chosen this moment to write this again because I can't think of a better time. I couldn't be happier right now and it's because of you, Holly. You and the kids. It's my favourite sight, to see you three together. It relaxes me, it fills me, it scares me, it warms me, it reminds me of who I am and who I want to be. You three put a smile on my face every second of everyday and I couldn't be happier about looking like a sappy idiot._

 _I could never fully explain how happy you make me, how much you've changed me and bettered me, how much I appreciate you. I love you, with all of my being. I planned on showing you everyday, forever, but I'll have to settle for the last beat of my heart. I hope you felt at least a fraction of this when I tried to show you, when I tried to explain or express it._

 _There's just one last thing that I need you to know. I am sorry Hols._

 _I'm sorry I couldn't show you everyday. I'm sorry for breaking my promises. I'm sorry for making you hurt. I'm sorry for making you watch the sadness I've brought to our children. I'm sorry for all of the time I wasted being stupid. I am sorry for not growing old with you, my love. And I wish (I hope) you find someone else to bless with your love and grow your beautiful brown into grey._

 _-Your Gail_

 _(P.S. I love you. Please, please don't wallow too long and I hope one day you can forgive me.)_


	2. Chapter 2

Hale woke to the sound of dishes clanking, bacon sizzling and Holly humming, things that he hasn't woken to in weeks. Things that used to annoy him and now put a huge smile on his face. Sitting up and looking at the clock on his nightstand he froze. There, sat a box of tissues, a glass of water and a folded piece of paper with his name written in his mothers scratch. The scratch of which he would only see on old things, the card he'd get on graduation day will have a bare spot where her title and congrats would have been, his name never to be written the same as it was on the paper again.

He flipped the blanket off of his legs and slowly stood. Hale paced his room, readying himself for what was bound to be on that crisp white sheet, to read the last words he'd ever get from his mother. How was one to prepare for that?

So he walked from one corner to the other, back and forth, listening to the humming that has put him to sleep thousands of times. Trying to let the sound sooth him but it could only help so much. And soon enough Hale found the courage to sit and read the last words he'd ever get from Gail.

 _Dear Hale, my first born, my main man, my womb nugget._

 _Do you remember the first time I was put in the hospital? You couldn't have been older than six, the reality of the world just sinking in as you were just getting used to caring for a baby girl. An unspoken responsibility of watching out for her, to protect her from all evils, to teach her, and show her the world. The world you were just starting to see._

 _So to see me lying in a hospital bed, head wrapped and mom worried beyond your comprehension was a wake up call. It showed you how fast things could happen, bad and good, how unpredictable life was. You waited until mom took Lux out of the room, even if she was just an infant, to let your questions and worries fly._

 _That was the first time we really talked about the dangers of the job, the uncertainty of everyday, and the first time I promised you. The first real time I promised to come back to you everyday. I'd done it a million times before but you didn't understand the power of it until that moment._

 _If you're reading this it means I've let you down. It means I've broken the biggest promise I've ever given to you and I cant apologize enough. Writing this and knowing it's purpose, knowing I've brought this unbearable pain to you is tearing me apart._

 _I'm not sure what to say to help your sorrow, to wipe the sadness and paint a smile in its place. So I'll just tell you how happy you've made me._

 _Hale, you have made my dreams come true. You give me courage, and bravery, a place to always find happiness, and give me a fresh view of the world. You have made me so proud. So, so proud. I didn't know it was possible to be this proud of one person, no matter how big or little the accomplishment. I also thought your mother was the most I could love, but then you entered our lives and I found out just how wrong I was. It's indescribable and I longed for the day for you found out. I couldn't wait to help my main man figure out the ropes of parenthood in much the way I helped you figure out how to walk._

 _I don't think I've ever told you how much I admire you, and not just your stunning good looks (you're welcome btw). I admire your serenity in hard situations. I admire the ease of which you learn. I admire your open minded and yearn to learn all sides of every topic. I admire your compassion and the calming effect you bring to everyone around you._

 _I've been terrified of this day for a long time now, since the moment I met mom actually. And deciding to have you only made it worse. So I began writing to you, starting from when you were just a little bean. Firstwombnugget is filled with advice and stories, memories and encouragement, tips and sappy love, it's everything I thought you'd want to know if I wasn't around to tell you._

 _I could never express my love for you fully, it's impossible to even begin so I hope you felt even a sliver of it when I could. I will_ _always protect you, I will always have your back, I will always love you, my boy._

 _Thank you Hale William Steven Peck for making me the mother I always wished to be._

 _-Mama_


	3. Chapter 3

Holly wasn't sure how to deliver Lux the letter Gail had written for her. She'd known right away how to give Hale his, the fourteen year old liked to keep his emotions mostly to himself, much the same way Gail did. So she left it on his night stand with tissues and a big glass of water, and left him to do with it as he wished.

But Lux wasn't so easy, she was filled with the sorrow and anger no nine year old should and though she was generally great with getting it out she was finding it difficult. For obvious reasons. Holly had stayed up all night re reading her own letter, watching Lux sleep and thinking of ways to give the girl her letter.

After only two hours of shut eye Holly got out of bed, she needed to do something, all of this laying around and staring into space was starting to drive her stir crazy. She decided on breakfast, something she hadn't really done since the morning it happened.

Holly heard the light foot falls of Hale pacing his room and her heart clenched. He'd seen it and was coming to terms. So she left his plate on the counter and brought hers and Lux's into her room. She'd been sleeping with Holly, unable to even close her eyes if not in someone's arms. Holly was thankful for the company, also unable to sleep by herself and watching the slow rise and fall of their daughters breathing soothed her.

The girl was still asleep, hair covering the pillow and arms and legs sprawled out, taking well over her side of the king sized bed. Holly placed the tray on her night stand and lowered herself onto the bed, without even a stir from the sleeping girl. Holly ran her fingers through the soft blonde curls, "hey sunshine. It's time to get up, you don't want your food to get cold do you?"

Lux groaned and curled into Holly's side, burrowing her nose between the sheet and the brunettes leg.

A few more encouraging words, some stretching and more groaning the blonde sat up. Holly's heart melted, as it did every morning, the girl had the exact same grumpy sleep face Gail did.

She wasn't sure how she made it through breakfast before she turned to Lux, "there's something I found for you. I wasn't sure how to give it to you so I'll just tell you and you can tell me if you want to read it alone, if you want me to stay, if you want me to read or if you are even ready for it."

"You're being weird just tell me."

She reached into the drawer of her nightstand and slowly handed the paper to her daughter.

Lux's jaw clenched and her eyes grew into that glassy distant look she got every time Gail was brought up.

"Is this what I think it is?" She whispered, not taking her eyes off of her name.

Holly wanted nothing more than to scoop the girl onto her lap, to wrap her in a blanket held tight by her arms and soothe every bad feeling away. But she knew better. One wrong move, one touch that wasn't allowed, even one word that didn't settle right would throw Lux into a fiery whirlwind.

"It was tucked into the bottom of the box. We all got one." Holly explained.

Lux gave one solemn nod.

"Do you want to be alone?" Holly asked and made a move to leave but was quickly held in place by a small hand clutching to her wrist.

"Please don't leave me" Lux whispered her plea.

Her voice was so small and vulnerable and panicked Holly couldn't stop herself from pulling the girl close. To do just as her ever cell was yearning to do, to hold her sorrow filled baby.

She held the blonde for what felt like hours but was really only twenty minutes, before Lux asked for a few things to help with the reading. So Holly reluctantly let go and gathered Gail's favourite sweater, tissues and dimmed the lights.

When back in the bed Lux asked Holly to put the sweater on and then she laid right on top of her, lining her small frame to fit her mothers, snaking her arm around her neck as the other clung to the loose fabric on Holly's chest.

 _Dear Lux, my second womb nugget, my baby girl, my sunshine._

 _I used to think nothing shone brighter than the stars, then your mother came along and out did them. So when you came out with your bright blonde curls, your electric blue eyes and fair skin, your warm light voice and bright beaming heart, my world turned upside down. And when I told mom that you were the brightest thing that could ever exist she came up with the perfect -nerdy of course- name. Lux, it literally means light in Latin. Naturally you became my sunshine, and you always will be, no matter what. It could rain for months and I'd be okay because I have my very own sunlight._

 _Baby girl, I know you_ ' _re hurting, hurting in a way I would sacrifice everything to change. If I know you and I think I do, you're probably angry. You're furious at me, at the world, at whatever happened and who ever was involved. You've probably given up. Now I'm going to be selfish in a second, I can't help it so prepare._

 _Please don't give up. Please believe in the happiness you've blessed me with and don't stop fighting for your own. Please forgive. Nothing is more damaging than brewing in anger. None of this will happen over night, it'll take a lot of work and fight, but know it will be worth it. I know mom and everyone else misses your sunlight and it's okay to have dark days, but life wouldn't be the same without a little Lux so please fight._

 _If you ever start to forget the way I look or smell or the sound of my voice, close your eyes as tight as you can, take a deep breath and go to our night. The night neither of us could_ _sleep and so we cuddled on the couch and watched movies. The night you laid out on my chest and wrapped your little arms around my neck as I held you tight and played with your hair. The night we talked for hours about nothing and everything. The night I sang into your ear as we drifted off to sleep. I think of that night all the time and it helps me when I can't sleep._

 _I hope you know how much I love you, I hope I said it enough and showed it enough. I wish I had more days to make it clearer how grand it is. Baby girl, you have completed my life, I didn't know how much I was missing until you showed me and for that I'm forever grateful._

 _Lenox Grace Peck, you will forever be in my heart and I will always have your back. I'm more proud of you than you will ever comprehend. And I love you from here all the way around the galaxy, and back._

 _-Mama_

 _(_ _P.S. Be good, shine bright and make sure mom and Hale do the same)_


End file.
